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| It's been so long since I've actually taken xanga seriously. I've always been so broad and general on here because I was scared of revealing too much of myself to people. (Not that a lot of people even use xanga anymore.) I have always been afraid of what people thought of me. I wanted people to be happy and therefore turned into someone that only desires to please others and have everyone be my best friend. I am glad I'm slowly breaking that wall. I realized that I am not perfect. That I am different than other people. We are all not the same. There will be people who love me. There will be people who hate me. & that is okay. I just need to learn how to accept myself and know that I have flaws as well. I need to be confident in who I am and who I am becoming. I'm not trying to justify the fact that I can treat people like dirt now, but that I need to be embrace who I am. Because the truth of the matter is "playahs they gunna play & haters they gunna hate." Hahahaha, some 3LW for you~
This summer has gone by in a blurrrrrrr.
Where did it go?
My China trip was this huge event that everything else was leading up to. Now that it is over, it's almost anti-climatic. China was amazing. But now what? God didn't show me this great vision of my life while I was there. If anything my time in China was hard, challenging, and trying on my faith and what I believe. I really struggled with God about issues in my life, in faith, in humanity. I was so humbled by the fact that God is so big and I am not-- I have so many questions and doubts still. But if I keep seeking and asking, I trust that He will answer me.
Life is a cycle. Storms come and go. The darkness sets in, but then the sun shines brighter than ever before. Plants die, but slowly rise up again. It's hard to see past our pains in the moment. But God has created the sun and the moon. He created the seasons. The storm will pass and the sun will shine. I must hold on to that promise.
I have a choice to make.
I can either throw myself a pity party & complain and whine about how much my life sucks and how I wish my family was like their family.
Or
I can be thankful for all the blessings in my life.
Such as:
The nice house and neighborhood my family lives in.
The strongest and boldest mom any daughter could ever have.
The most selfless and loving boyfriend that makes me a better person.
The beautiful girlfriends I have that I get to live with in a cute home.
The wonderful and fun-loving friends I have in Portland that always know how to make me laugh and have a good time.
Even having a bike to ride in the sunshine! Woo!
I choose to count my blessings. Yes, even the heartache of the messiness in my life is a blessing. Without it, I wouldn't realize how SWEET my other blessings are.
It's okay if you hate me. Just don't disrespect. We all have our differences, but we are all human as well. There's gotta be something notable in that fact...
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| The nicest, sweetest, and most awkwardly gentle guy I've ever met at SPU. We had so many classes together and we'd always sit near one another. He had the sweetest curls that he for some reason decided to turn into dreadful locks. But no matter what, he was always Pat. With his Irish blood and love for biking. He was fun to watch on stage while he so talentFULLY played his guitar. He left without saying goodbye. He was supposed to be back with us in Seattle in September. But God decided to cut his life short. Too short. He was only 20. I don't know why God decided to do this. I don't understand much at all really. First Jared. Now Pat. Two brothers in one year. Wow.
Pat, I will miss you bro. And I'll miss seeing your smile at school. You were loved by all, and that's a fact! I know I will see you one day. I'm sure you're partyin' it up with all those foools from UCOR that we learned about. Hahaha, and I'm sure you're just chillllllin with Jesus too. Lucky...
There's no way to understand death. Especially when it's such a freak accident. It's so unfair. And there's something so wrong about it. So then what?
All I can do is just trust in God's sovereignty and invite the Holy Spirit to be our strength and comfort.
Be near, Oh God, be near.
Rest in peace my dear Patrick. | | |
| Let's me honest here. I can try to be all gangster'ed out as I want-- but the reality is, I don't know much about the hip hop culture. All I knew is what I saw on MTV (unfortunately). But this year I've been learning so much more about this subject of hip hop. I've been so limited to what I see on TV that I've been so boxed in from the true heart of hip hop.
I'm not saying I know all that there is to know about hip hop. Oh gosh no! This is just a little of my blurb on what I've been learning and experiencing. 'Tis all.
There is something so pure about hip hop that draws me in. It's like I have no control over my heart being lured into it! Hip hop goes so much deeper than just bitches and ho's, tappin' that, pimpin' all over the world, and buyin' you a drank. Don't get me wrong, I love my dose of Jay-Z and Luda. But the real, pure essence of hip hop is so much more that it kills me to see the world seeing only that side of "hip hop."
This year, I've had the privilege to research and get to know two hip hop ministries here in Seattle. The Goodfoot & Harambee. What a blessing it has been for me to build a relationship with May and Kimnang from both ministries and see how God is truly using their gifts and talents to reach the hip hop generation here in Seattle. Both May and Kimnang's life has just been infiltrated with the strong movement of God to just dance & empower others to dance. Through dance, they reach youth from all stages in life-- then through their own testimonies are able to share the love of Christ to them. No, they don't force Jesus down the dancers' throats nor do they force people to believe in Christ in order to dance with them. They just invite people to dance and share their passion for dance and hip hop in a positive community that will impact their cities. What a beautiful thing it has been for me to watch and experience this year! God really is moving in the hip hop community-- freals! I have been witnessing it with my own eyes!
  
Last night, Laura and I went over to Renton to Harambee to go to their bboy jam. There were different MCs that were spittin' and really speaking truth. There were testimonies of just LIFE and INSPIRATION. And of course you have your bboy circles of just people movin' to the music. I was in awe. I just stood there letting the music speak to me while watching the sickkkkkk moves of people on the floor tearin' it up! It was a God moment for me, fsho. Everyone knew everyone because they all see each other at all the events and jams and whatnot. It was like a big family. There were so many different ethnicities and countries represented in just one room and honestly, that was such a huge surprise to me. Hip hop isn't just a African American thanggg. It's for Cambodians, Thai, Laos, Chinese, Korean, Japanese, African, Mexican, Caucasian, Italian, etc etc etc. (those are just the few I saw there last night)! Dance and the love of hip hop brought them all together in one room. How beautiful is that? It's like the kingdom of God in one place! The whole night was dedicated to an organization called Tiny Toones in Cambodia. This organization is a testimony of God's goodness in itself. So this one man who was a Cambodian refugee got deported back to Cambodia from the US and there in his own backyard (in the slums of Cambodia) he started a hip hop dance center for kids. There he teaches them how to break, pop and lock, etc. but he also houses them and teaches them English. This takes the kids off the streets and into safety and channeling their energy into hip hop dance. A former Crip member was that was also deported back to cambodia is now an English teacher there-- that made me cry. Last night's jam was to raise money and shoes for Tiny Toones and it was just a great night. I can go on and on about it. I'd be surprised if anyone even read this far on my xanga. hahahaha. :) But yeah. I took some pics. I like 'em. And I have two video clips because this little boy seriously made me fall in love<3 He is no older than 5 and he's breakin' and having a good time. So adorable. He was even spinning on his head! Wasn't able to get that on clip but here is the cutie:
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| God of Justice, Savior to all
Came to rescue the weak and the poor
Chose to serve and not be served
Jesus, You have called us
Freely we've received
Now freely we will give
We must go
Live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward
Keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go
To act justly everyday
Loving mercy in every way
Walking humbly before You, God
You have shown us what Your require
Freely we've received
Now freely we must give
Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out, Lord.
Micah 6:8
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